MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA – Google officially announced today the completion of its $32 billion acquisition of cybersecurity firm Wiz, a move sources close to the deal suggest was primarily driven by the company’s deep-seated fear of anyone else having anything useful. The tech behemoth, known for its sprawling portfolio of products and services, confirmed that Wiz would now be integrated into Google Cloud, though specific details on its location within the vast digital empire remain elusive.

“We’re thrilled to welcome Wiz to the Google family,” stated a Google spokesperson, who declined to be named, citing a company policy against individual recognition for fear of fostering independent thought. “This acquisition significantly enhances our cloud security capabilities, assuming we can locate the relevant division within the next fiscal quarter. It’s a very large campus.”

Industry analysts suggest the purchase, Google’s largest ever, was a strategic play to prevent competitors from acquiring Wiz, rather than a direct need for its specific technology. “Google already has like, eight cybersecurity divisions, three of which are probably just old interns who forgot to leave,” commented Dr. Evelyn Reed, a tech economist. “This is less about synergy and more about making sure the other kids don’t get to play with the cool new toy.”

Google executives are reportedly now sifting through a labyrinthine internal directory, attempting to determine which existing security team Wiz will be absorbed into, or if it will simply become another forgotten tab in the company’s ever-expanding browser of acquisitions. The company has assured stakeholders that the $32 billion investment will eventually yield returns, once they remember where they filed the receipt.