SYDNEY, AU — A new report from leading dieticians indicates that the widespread use of GLP-1 agonists, such as Ozempic and Wegovy, is inadvertently ushering in a golden age of forgotten nutritional deficiencies. Patients, whose appetites have been surgically removed by the medications, are reportedly experiencing a resurgence of conditions previously thought confined to history books and poorly provisioned sailing vessels.

“We’re seeing cases of scurvy, rickets, and even pellagra,” stated Dr. Eleanor Vance, head of the Australian Institute of Dietary Oversight, in a press conference. “It appears that when you effectively eliminate the desire to eat, people… stop eating. It’s a groundbreaking discovery that the human body requires sustenance, even when it doesn’t crave it.” The report highlighted that most clinical trials for these drugs failed to include a 'remember to consume nutrients' parameter, a critical oversight now costing patients their vitamin C levels.

One anonymous patient, who recently traded their kale smoothie for a lime, commented, “I haven’t felt this much like a 17th-century sailor since I tried to assemble IKEA furniture. The weight loss is great, but my gums are bleeding, and I keep craving hardtack.” Industry analysts suggest that pharmaceutical companies may soon pivot to a 'complete historical health experience' marketing strategy, bundling GLP-1 prescriptions with complimentary leeches and bloodletting kits.

Meanwhile, nutritionists are scrambling to develop a new food pyramid specifically for GLP-1 users, reportedly consisting of a single, highly fortified multivitamin pill and a stern reminder to 'maybe eat something, anything, please?'