Flock Safety CEO John Snow announced today that the company's rapidly expanding network of Automated License Plate Readers (ALPRs) is on track to achieve "total visual saturation" of American roadways, promising citizens will soon experience a "profound and unshakeable feeling of being thoroughly monitored." Snow, speaking from a bunker beneath an undisclosed data center, emphasized that while this might initially cause "mild discomfort," the resulting "preemptive data profiling capabilities" would ultimately make everyone just a little bit safer, provided they never, ever break any law or even think about it.
"We understand that some might interpret 120,000 cameras scanning every vehicle, every second, as an infringement on, shall we say, 'outmoded notions' of privacy," Snow told reporters via a pre-recorded, deepfake video stream. "But think of it as a warm, digital hug from a benevolent algorithm. A hug that knows where you've been, where you're going, and probably what brand of artisanal kombucha you purchased last Tuesday." He added that early data suggests a direct correlation between camera density and an increase in local residents referring to their neighbors as "suspicious entities."
The announcement comes amidst a nationwide surge in public outcry and "vigilante artistic expression" targeting Flock cameras, with many units found defaced, dismantled, or inexplicably decorated with googly eyes and tiny hats. Critics, whom Snow referred to as "privacy maximalists" and "obstructionists to optimal data harvesting," argue that the cameras create a dragnet surveillance state without democratic oversight.
"Our goal isn't just to catch criminals," admitted a Flock Safety spokesperson, who wished to remain anonymous to avoid having their entire purchase history leaked, "it's to collect enough innocuous data points on law-abiding citizens to build predictive models so robust they can tell if you're about to jaywalk before you even consider stepping off the curb." The spokesperson concluded, "Freedom is merely the absence of consequence, and we're just making sure there are always consequences."
The company plans to launch "Project Omniscient Gaze" next quarter, a program that will integrate facial recognition and mood-detection AI into existing ALPR units, ensuring that even your commute-induced existential dread contributes to the national security profile.
Soon, leaving your driveway will require a pre-filled manifest of your intentions and an updated 'threat assessment' score generated in real-time.
