WASHINGTON D.C. — The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) announced today its approval of the colossal merger between broadcast giants Nexstar and Tegna, a decision hailed by industry insiders as a crucial step towards achieving peak media consolidation. The FCC stated the move would streamline operations and, most importantly, guarantee that local news broadcasts across the nation maintain a consistent, reassuringly familiar quality.

“Our primary goal is to ensure that every American, no matter where they live, can tune into their local news and experience the exact same report on rising gas prices, a heartwarming story about a cat rescue, and a five-day forecast that will inevitably be wrong,” stated FCC Commissioner Evelyn Hayes in a press release. “This merger brings us closer to that beautiful, homogenized future.”

Critics, primarily those who still believe in quaint notions like ‘local distinctiveness’ or ‘journalistic diversity,’ expressed mild concern. “It’s like going to a restaurant and finding out every dish is just a slightly different shade of beige,” lamented Dr. Leonard Finch, a media studies professor at the University of Southern California (USC). “Soon, the only difference between watching the news in Boise and Boston will be the backdrop of the anchor’s green screen.”

Industry analysts predict the newly formed entity will leverage its expanded reach to standardize everything from investigative reporting templates to the precise cadence of local sports commentators. “Why invent a new way to cover a high school football game when you can just use the same script for 200 different markets?” asked a representative for the newly merged company, who wished to remain anonymous to avoid sounding too transparently efficient.

The FCC concluded its statement by reassuring the public that while the number of independent voices might shrink, the sheer volume of syndicated content will more than make up for it. After all, who needs choice when you can have ubiquity?