A national inquiry has begun after dozens of recent cyberattacks on municipal water systems across the country revealed a shocking truth: the nation's critical infrastructure is, in fact, connected to the internet. Sources close to the investigation confirmed that the systems, many of which control essential water flow and purification, operate on "what appears to be some sort of early 2000s operating system, possibly even older, running on hardware originally purchased from an office supply store's going-out-of-business sale in 2005."
"We always assumed these systems were, you know, just 'there'—like mountains or good intentions—and therefore inherently un-hackable," stated Director Brenda Chen of the newly formed Department of Digital Hydration Security, during a press conference where she demonstrated how to change a router password. "Turns out, you can actually access them via a web browser. Who knew? We’ve got teams of highly qualified interns currently searching for the original setup discs, which we believe might be stored in a dusty box labeled 'Misc. Wires & Old CD-ROMs' in a forgotten storage room."
Utility executives, meanwhile, expressed surprise at the "unprecedented sophistication" of the attacks, which included changing chemical levels by a fractional percentage and briefly altering pressure settings, causing a few residents to experience "slightly bouncier showers." "Our IT budget has always been robustly allocated to ensuring our quarterly earnings reports are delivered on time, securely, and that our CEO's personal email is spam-free," commented Wallace 'Wally' Pipes, CEO of AquaCorp Global, while struggling to connect his Bluetooth earpiece. "We’ve installed state-of-the-art firewalls, by which I mean we’ve strongly worded emails to all staff about not clicking suspicious links. Apparently, sophisticated hackers don't read internal memos or respect HR policy."
Senator Karen McPublic, chair of the Senate Committee on Water That Still Flows, announced an immediate, bi-partisan "Strategic Cyber-Hydration Resilience Initiative," pledging millions to a blue-ribbon panel that will meet for the next five years to "comprehensively study the implications of digital-age water." Critics pointed out that this initiative is effectively the same as last year's "Project Aqua-Shield," which produced a 400-page report concluding that "water is wet and also, surprisingly, carries data." The primary defense against the hacks has historically been "the general public's profound disinterest in how water actually gets to their faucets."
Citizens are now advised to have at least three days' supply of bottled water on hand, or, failing that, a robust knowledge of basic water purification techniques taught in 1950s scout manuals, until a patch can be located on a forgotten floppy disk somewhere in a dusty municipal archive in Ohio.
