NEW YORK, NY — Famed conductor Maestro Anton Valerius, 68, was unceremoniously dismissed from his post as Music Director of the prestigious Metropolitan Philharmonic this week, reportedly due to his "unreasonable adherence to musical notation." The orchestra's board cited a "fundamental incompatibility" with Valerius's vision, which apparently involved playing the correct pitches and rhythms.

“Maestro Valerius was a brilliant musician, no doubt,” stated board chairwoman Beatrice Sterling in a press release that carefully avoided eye contact. “But his insistence on, shall we say, *fidelity* to the composer’s original intent was becoming a creative bottleneck. Our audiences expect a certain... interpretive freedom.”

Anonymous sources within the orchestra revealed a growing tension. “He’d stand there, waving his stick, and if you missed a high C or played a quarter note as a half note, he’d actually *notice*,” recounted a flustered first violinist, who requested anonymity to protect her future employment. “It was exhausting. Sometimes you just want to vibe with the piece, you know? Not be a human metronome.”

Another musician, a percussionist, chimed in, “He even had the audacity to suggest we practice. Practice! In this economy? We’re artists, not robots.” The Philharmonic is now reportedly seeking a conductor who understands that music is less about precision and more about “the overall feeling,” preferably someone who can conduct from memory, or perhaps just a Spotify playlist.

Industry insiders speculate the move is part of a broader trend to make classical music more “accessible,” which apparently means less demanding for both performers and listeners. The Metropolitan Philharmonic's next concert will feature a world premiere of a piece composed entirely of sustained, indeterminate tones, allowing for maximum artistic interpretation and minimal rehearsal time.