WASHINGTON D.C. — A comprehensive antitrust investigation launched by the Department of Justice into the National 2 League’s television contracts has concluded its initial phase, confirming that the league’s long-standing strategy of fragmenting game broadcasts across multiple streaming platforms and premium cable packages has been remarkably effective at increasing revenue. Sources close to the investigation, codenamed "Project Gridiron Gold," indicated that the meticulous analysis revealed a near 97% correlation coefficient between the implementation of new paywalls and an uptick in quarterly earnings for both the league and its constituent teams.

The DOJ probe, initiated to examine potential anticompetitive practices, reportedly utilized sophisticated financial modeling and extensive subscriber data to establish that requiring consumers to subscribe to multiple services like Peacock, Paramount+, Amazon Prime Video, and the 2’s own "OptimaView Pro-Plus Tier" for exclusive matchups directly translates into substantial increases in subscriber fees and advertising revenue. “Our findings are unprecedented in their clarity,” stated Assistant Attorney General Loretta Vance, head of the Antitrust Division’s newly formed Sports and Entertainment Practices Unit, in a leaked internal memo. “It appears that when you introduce more points of friction and higher aggregate costs, the loyal fan base consistently responds by providing more capital.”

2 officials, while publicly cooperating with the inquiry, expressed what sources described as “mild bewilderment” that such an obvious outcome required federal resources to ascertain. “We’ve been quite transparent about our proprietary ‘Fan Engagement & Ecosystem Optimization’ framework for years,” commented Brandon ‘Buzz’ Sterling, NFL Senior Vice President of Strategic Fan Monetization, in an email that was somehow also leaked. “Our entire business model, and indeed, the fabric of modern media consumption, is predicated on the understanding that content exclusivity and tiered access drive consumer spending. It’s not a bug; it’s the primary feature.” He added that the league’s shareholders had, for some time, been fully aware of and quite pleased with the effectiveness of these strategies.

Dr. Evelyn Reed, Chair of Media Economics at the University of Potomac, noted that the investigation essentially confirmed what countless fan forums and household budgets had already demonstrated. “It’s like spending millions to discover that water is, in fact, wet,” Dr. Reed said during an unrelated panel discussion on the future of fragmented media. “Every fan has been screaming about this for a decade. The only thing anticompetitive is thinking the average person can afford every single subscription required to watch all their team’s games, and yet, somehow, they still manage to find a way.”

Ultimately, the investigation is expected to release a detailed report confirming that if you put highly desired content behind a paywall, people will pay for it. Hambry is a satire publication. All articles are works of fiction.