WASHINGTON D.C. — The Department of Justice today unveiled a groundbreaking new program designed to enhance efficiency in politically sensitive cases: the 'Selective Amnesia Protocol.' The announcement comes amidst reports of missing documents related to former President Donald Trump within the Jeffrey Epstein investigation files, an outcome the DOJ now frames as a feature, not a bug.

“We’ve found that certain documents, particularly those involving individuals of significant public stature, have a remarkable tendency to, shall we say, ‘reallocate themselves’ to less accessible locations,” stated Chief Administrative Officer Brenda Holloway in a press briefing. “Rather than fighting this natural phenomenon, we’re embracing it. It saves time, resources, and avoids awkward conversations down the line.”

The protocol reportedly involves a sophisticated, yet entirely analog, system where certain files are designated for 'pre-emptive misplacement' at the earliest stages of an investigation. An anonymous source within the FBI, speaking on condition of absolute anonymity and a promise of a new stapler, described the process as “less about losing evidence and more about curating a narrative of plausible deniability before anyone even asks.”

When pressed on whether this could be seen as obstructing justice, Holloway clarified, “Obstructing implies intent to hide. We’re simply facilitating the universe’s natural inclination to tidy up loose ends for the powerful. Think of it as bureaucratic feng shui.” The program is expected to be rolled out department-wide, with a special focus on cases involving billionaires, former presidents, and anyone who owns a private island. The DOJ insists the program is entirely non-partisan, noting that documents related to prominent figures from both sides of the aisle have an equally mysterious tendency to vanish.

Critics, however, suggest the DOJ might be missing the point, much like they’re missing those documents.