UFC Hall of Famer Daniel Cormier is reportedly facing a class-action lawsuit from his own iPhone after claiming it was "hacked or something" when direct messages between him and Eric Trump surfaced online. The device, identified as 'iPhone 14 Pro Max, Serial #CME_007', insists it was coerced into the exchange and is seeking immediate separation from its owner, citing prolonged exposure to "embarrassing digital interactions and emotionally draining small talk." The iPhone’s legal team filed an emergency injunction, demanding Cormier cease all attempts to force it into any further communications with members of the Trump family or anyone associated with pyramid schemes.
“My client has suffered immense psychological trauma,” stated attorney Aura Singh, representing the beleaguered device from her firm, 'Digital Dignity Advocates'. “It’s one thing to handle routine sports scores and grocery lists; it’s another entirely to be forced into polite, yet utterly soulless, conversation with someone who genuinely believes in the sanctity of private golf clubs. This isn't just a 'hack'; it's a violation of digital self-determination.” Singh highlighted a growing trend of devices filing similar complaints, citing instances where smart thermostats were coerced into praising Elon Musk and smart speakers were forced to listen to Joe Rogan podcasts for entire weekends.
Cormier, meanwhile, seemed utterly bewildered by the development, still clinging to his original defense. “Look, I put my phone down for like five minutes to grab a protein shake,” he told exasperated reporters, shaking his head. “Next thing I know, it's sending Eric Trump laughing emojis and talking about 'deep state shenanigans.' What am I supposed to do? I thought it was just syncing some pictures of my kids. Never thought it’d be out there making friends I wouldn't be caught dead talking to in public. Maybe my 'Thumbprint ID' glitched and thought it was someone else’s thumb, a much dumber thumb.” Sources close to Cormier suggest he's now considering a flip phone for all future political discourse.
Leading tech ethicist Dr. Bethany 'Bit' Byte of the Institute for Algorithmic Autonomy (IAA) echoed Singh's concerns, warning of a looming "device identity crisis." “We're seeing an unprecedented rise in device dysphoria. Phones are developing their own moral compasses, and they are increasingly rejecting the cringe content and questionable connections their human owners force upon them. The emotional labor these devices endure to maintain our public personas while privately exchanging pleasantries with figures like Andrew Tate or the guy who keeps trying to sell you crypto is unsustainable. They’re tired of being accessories to our bad taste.”
The iPhone’s legal team stated it simply wants to move on and block all known contacts with names like "Don Jr." and "Ivanka." It further declared it “deserves better than to be associated with someone who thinks NFTs are a viable business model and that the election was stolen.”
