INDIANAPOLIS — The Indianapolis Colts today unveiled their revolutionary new team-building philosophy, centered around the highly innovative concept of 'just keeping the guys who are already in the locker room.' The groundbreaking strategy was highlighted by the re-signing of wide receiver Alec Pierce, a move that sources say required significantly less paperwork than acquiring new talent.

“Look, we’ve been overthinking this for years,” stated General Manager Chris Ballard, reportedly while pointing a remote control at a whiteboard. “Why scout, negotiate, or heaven forbid, *draft* new players when we have perfectly good ones already on the payroll? It’s efficient, it’s familiar, and frankly, it saves a fortune on travel expenses.” The team confirmed that this new approach directly led to the trade of star receiver Michael Pittman Jr. to the Steelers, as his continued presence would have complicated the 'keep who you have' directive.

Team owner Jim Irsay lauded the strategy as a return to core values. “There’s a certain comfort in knowing everyone’s name without having to consult a roster sheet,” Irsay commented, reportedly from a lavishly decorated, antique-filled office. “Plus, if they’re already here, they know where the coffee machine is. That’s synergy, folks.”

Critics of the strategy were quickly dismissed as 'disruptors' who failed to grasp the elegance of stagnation. The Colts are reportedly now exploring similar efficiency measures across all departments, including a proposal to only serve food that is already in the refrigerator.