LOS ANGELES – In a groundbreaking revelation that promises to upend the entire self-help industry, celebrity fashion therapist Franzy Staedter has released “The Closet Detox,” a new book positing that personal failures and existential angst are primarily rooted in sartorial missteps.

Staedter, whose client list reportedly includes several B-list reality stars and a tech CEO who exclusively wears hoodies, asserts that the path to enlightenment begins not with meditation or therapy, but with a ruthless purge of anything that doesn't “spark joy or look good on camera.” The book outlines a seven-step program for achieving spiritual and financial abundance through strategic wardrobe management.

“For too long, we’ve blamed our parents, our childhood traumas, or the economy for our shortcomings,” Staedter explained in a press release. “But the truth is, that faded band t-shirt from college is actively sabotaging your chakras. Your ill-fitting blazer is a direct impediment to manifesting your dream job.”

Critics, primarily those still wearing comfort-first loungewear, have questioned the book’s premise. “So, my student loan debt and crippling anxiety are actually just because I haven’t bought enough designer activewear?” asked local barista, Chloe Davison. “That feels… convenient for the fashion industry.”

Staedter remains undeterred, insisting that true self-love can only be found after discarding anything that doesn't flatter your current body type or align with your personal brand. The book is available now, presumably next to the kale smoothie recipes and cryptocurrency guides.