WASHINGTON D.C. — A groundbreaking new federal decree, quietly introduced this week, has officially elevated the public recognition of celebrity birthdays from a cultural phenomenon to a mandatory civic duty. Effective immediately, citizens are legally obligated to acknowledge the birthdates of prominent figures, with specific emphasis on those listed in widely circulated media announcements.

“For too long, the emotional labor of celebrating these important individuals has fallen disproportionately on the entertainment industry and their immediate families,” stated Dr. Evelyn Thorne, a spokesperson for the newly formed Department of National Festivities. “This legislation ensures a baseline level of collective joy and recognition, particularly for icons like Queen Latifah and Matthew Broderick, whose contributions to the national psyche are immeasurable.”

The mandate outlines a tiered system of observance, ranging from a simple mental acknowledgment for B-listers to a full day of reflective appreciation, and potentially a themed potluck, for A-list luminaries. Non-compliance could result in a sternly worded letter from a relevant government agency, or, for repeat offenders, being forced to watch a reality show marathon without a remote.

“We’re not asking for much,” added Thorne, adjusting her celebratory sash. “Just a moment of your day to remember that someone famous was born. It’s good for morale, and frankly, it’s just polite.” The department is reportedly developing an app to track public compliance and suggest appropriate celebratory emojis.