WASHINGTON D.C. — Representative Andy Ogles (R-TN) today introduced landmark legislation requiring advanced "womb-scanning" technology at all U.S. ports of entry, calling it a critical step to combat "gestational tourism" and uphold national security. The "Anchors Away Act," designed to restrict birthright citizenship, would empower border agents to identify and deny entry to any non-citizen exhibiting signs of pregnancy, effectively preventing the perceived exploitation of the 14th Amendment.
"For too long, our nation's most sacred constitutional protections have been weaponized by foreign adversaries seeking to undermine American exceptionalism from the inside out," Rep. Ogles stated in a press conference, gesturing animatedly at a blurry infographic depicting a stylized uterus. "These womb-scanners are not just about immigration; they're about preventing biological Trojan horses. We must ensure that every child born on U.S. soil is conceived with a clear understanding of American values, not merely as a strategic asset for a foreign power."
The bill reportedly allocates billions for the rapid deployment of these scanners, which proponents claim can differentiate between "innocent familial travel" and "intentional anchor-baby deployment" with 99.7% accuracy. Critics, however, argue the technology could raise privacy concerns and potentially lead to accidental denial of entry for women who merely ate a large burrito. A spokesperson for the Department of Homeland Security, speaking on background, admitted concerns about the potential for "false positives" from bloating or certain dietary choices.
Dr. Anya Sharma, a specialist from the newly formed Institute for Aspirational Genetic Purity, praised the initiative. "This isn't about profiling; it's about prenatal diligence," Dr. Sharma explained. "By identifying potential 'birth tourists' pre-arrival, we can safeguard our demographic future. Think of it as preventative constitutional care." The bill also includes provisions for mandatory "citizenship preparedness" classes for any pregnant non-citizen granted temporary entry, featuring lectures on American history, capitalism, and the proper way to fold a flag.
Furthermore, the "Anchors Away Act" seeks to establish a national database of all pregnancies confirmed at the border, allowing for longitudinal tracking of "high-risk gestational assets." Rep. Ogles clarified that this data would be anonymized and used exclusively for "patriotism analytics." He asserted that these measures are not only necessary but a compassionate act, ensuring that children born in the U.S. are "unburdened by the weight of their parents' calculated constitutional exploitation." The legislation is expected to face bipartisan opposition, primarily from those who believe the U.S. still uses a Constitution written before the invention of fetal surveillance. The only remaining question, Ogles mused, was how to detect a pregnant mind, since that’s where the real threat to America’s moral fiber resided.
