WASHINGTON D.C. — The administration today unveiled a revolutionary new policy aimed at solving the "birthright citizenship paradox" by officially reclassifying American-born children of non-citizens as "depreciated assets" eligible for immediate repatriation. The move, celebrated by officials as a triumph of supply chain optimization, is expected to streamline the current immigration system by treating human lives with the same efficiency typically reserved for returned consumer electronics or surplus agricultural goods.
"We can no longer afford the luxury of letting 'sentimental value' impede our national balance sheet," stated Secretary of Asset Repatriation Chad Johnson, during a press conference held next to a pallet of refurbished office chairs. "These individuals, while possessing certain manufacturing defects — namely, having been produced on American soil — simply do not meet our current market demand for fully compliant citizens. It’s about inventory management, pure and simple." The new classification system involves a mandatory "asset valuation" conducted immediately after birth, determining each child’s eligibility for retention or inclusion in the next outbound manifest.
Under the new directive, children identified as "depreciated assets" will be assigned a unique QR code at birth, replacing traditional birth certificates, allowing for seamless tracking through the deportation pipeline. Families will be offered a choice between "self-repatriation," where they cover their own removal costs, or enrolling in the "Premium Reintegration Package," which includes a one-way flight and a complimentary pre-recorded lecture on the virtues of national sovereignty. Civil liberties groups immediately condemned the initiative, calling it "inhumane," to which Secretary Johnson retorted, "They simply don't understand the economics of human capital reallocation."
Sources within the Department of Homeland Security, speaking on condition of anonymity because their job involves labeling toddlers as "unserviceable," indicated the program’s long-term goal is to reclaim valuable national resources. "Think of it as reversing intellectual property leakage," one source explained, gesturing vaguely at a map of the Western Hemisphere. "Every child not designated as a 'domestic product' is a potential liability, a drain on our national brand equity. This simply aligns our human resource strategy with our geopolitical imperatives."
The administration projects the "depreciated asset" program will save billions in social services and "re-education" costs, arguing that true American strength comes from recognizing when certain human units fail to align with strategic objectives. The only thing more American than a balanced budget, they concluded, is a flawlessly executed quarterly review of human inventory. The government, once again, proves its unwavering commitment to valuing ledger entries over actual entries in the ledger of humanity.
