NEW YORK — CBS's venerable news program "60 Minutes" announced today the hiring of New York Times columnist Ross Douthat as its newest correspondent, a move network executives say will finally bring the long-form investigative journalism show the "urgent, deeply historical perspective" it has been missing. Douthat, known for his contemplative, often pessimistic takes on societal decay and the persistent echoes of antiquity, is expected to cover a wide array of topics, from the existential dread of late-stage modernity to the increasingly undeniable influence of, like, the Peloponnesian War on current geopolitical tensions.
"For too long, '60 Minutes' has been bogged down in what’s actually happening right now," stated CBS News President Neeraj Khemlani in a press release. "Ross brings a refreshing commitment to examining issues only after their definitive impact has been thoroughly documented by future historians. Why report on a crisis when you can ponder its eventual, inevitable place in the broader narrative of Western decline? It’s truly revolutionary to be so unburdened by the present, and by things like 'deadlines' or 'current events.'"
Insiders suggest Douthat’s inaugural segment will explore the parallels between the 2024 presidential election and the succession crisis of the late Roman Empire, complete with extensive Latin subtitles and a segment filmed entirely in a dimly lit library. He is also rumored to be developing a multi-part series on the eschatological implications of streaming algorithms and how the decline of local newspapers foreshadowed the dissolution of the Holy Roman Empire. Dr. Evangeline Thorne, director of the Institute for Pre-Emptive Historical Obituary Studies, lauded the move. "Most journalists are too busy covering who won the primary or investigating actual corruption," Thorne explained. "Ross is asking the real questions, like, 'Will the collapse of the industrial economy necessitate a return to feudal land ownership, and if so, what kind of liturgical calendar should we expect the serfs to follow?' He’s not just reporting the news; he’s predicting its distant, tragic epilogue, sometimes twice a week."
When reached for comment by Hambry, Douthat himself reportedly offered a brief, elliptical statement about the profound spiritual implications of the move, noting it represents a "further unraveling of the Protestant work ethic, a consequence foreshadowed in the writings of Augustine and now made manifest in the trivial pursuit of 'breaking news' over, say, the enduring legacy of Thomistic philosophy." He then paused, seemingly to consider the theological implications of a 30-second promo spot that might interrupt a local news broadcast about a cat stuck in a tree, before continuing, "One must, after all, grapple with the eternal, even if the eternal means explaining the origins of the Enlightenment to a demographic that primarily uses TikTok for their news."
Critics who once worried "60 Minutes" was becoming obsolete can now rest easy, knowing the show is fully committed to delivering vital insights into problems that will definitely matter to people in about 500 years.
