WASHINGTON D.C. — In a move hailed by some as a triumph of historical jurisprudence and by others as a clear sign the simulation is glitching, federal officials have reportedly unearthed a long-forgotten 1996 immigration statute that, upon closer inspection, unequivocally states that anyone in the United States illegally “shall be detained” without bond, indefinitely. Legal experts are baffled as to how such a crystal-clear directive managed to elude judicial review and common sense for over two decades.

“It’s truly remarkable,” stated Dr. Evelyn Thorne, a self-proclaimed 'legal archaeologist' from the Heritage Foundation, who was not involved in the discovery but is now taking full credit. “It was just sitting there, right between ‘No Loitering’ and ‘Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Donkey.’ We simply needed the right administration with the courage to dust it off and realize its full, terrifying potential.”

Critics, however, suggest the “discovery” is less about legal scholarship and more about a convenient reinterpretation. “It’s like finding a crayon drawing from your kid that says ‘Dad owes me a pony,’ and then claiming it’s a legally binding contract,” remarked Professor Alistair Finch of the American Civil Liberties Union, who immediately began drafting a 300-page brief outlining why this was, in fact, not how laws work.

Administration officials, speaking anonymously, confirmed the reinterpretation was a stroke of genius. “Why write new laws when you can just find old ones that say exactly what you want them to say, if you squint hard enough?” one official quipped, before adding that they were currently sifting through medieval land deeds for additional policy inspiration.