WASHINGTON D.C. — In a move widely anticipated by anyone who occasionally glances at a news headline, the Federal Reserve’s Open Market Committee announced today that interest rates will remain precisely where they were before this meeting, and likely the one before that. Chairman Jerome Powell, looking visibly fatigued, confirmed the decision, stating, “We considered all options, from slightly higher to slightly lower, but ultimately, the data suggested that doing absolutely nothing was the most prudent course of action for the foreseeable future.”

The decision comes amidst a backdrop of fluctuating oil prices, a jobs market described by analysts as 'confusingly robust yet also concerningly soft,' and the general feeling that the world is just winging it day-to-day. Sources close to the Fed indicated that the primary driver for the non-decision was a collective shrug.

“Look, we’ve got geopolitical tensions, AI threatening to rewrite the entire economy, and frankly, I just spent three hours trying to figure out why my smart thermostat keeps setting itself to 85 degrees,” confessed one anonymous Fed official. “The last thing we need is to add another variable to the equation. Let’s just keep the rates where they are and see if things sort themselves out.”

Economists praised the Fed’s commitment to stability, noting that 'predictable inaction is still a form of policy.' The committee also released its first economic projections for 2026, which reportedly included a wide range of outcomes, from 'mildly okay' to 'we’re all doomed,' with a strong emphasis on the latter if anyone tries to change anything.

Powell concluded the press conference by stating, “We will continue to monitor the situation closely, which mostly involves watching cable news and occasionally checking our 401(k)s, and will adjust our stance if the universe provides a clearer instruction manual.”