INDIANAPOLIS — The Indianapolis Colts are reportedly deep in negotiations with free agent quarterback Daniel Jones for a multi-year contract extension, a move insiders suggest is primarily driven by Jones's consistent ability to simply be present on the field. While traditional quarterback evaluations often consider passing yards, touchdowns, or QBR, sources close to the team confirm the Colts' primary metric for 2024 is 'Warm Body Present and Accounted For.'

“Look, we’ve tried the whole ‘elite talent’ thing, the ‘potential’ thing, even the ‘guy who can throw a spiral’ thing,” explained Colts General Manager Chris Ballard, speaking anonymously through a team spokesperson. “But what we’ve learned is that sometimes, the best ability is availability. Daniel has proven, time and again, that he can put on a helmet and stand behind a center. That’s a huge plus for us.”

The proposed deal is rumored to include clauses rewarding Jones for showing up on time, not accidentally wearing the opposing team's jersey, and demonstrating a basic understanding of which direction his team's end zone is. “We’re not asking for miracles, just reliability,” added a scout, who wished to remain unnamed while polishing a participation trophy. “If he can do that, he’s already an upgrade over 70% of our recent quarterback history.”

Jones’s agent declined to comment, only stating that his client is “excited about the opportunity to continue to exist in a professional football capacity.”