Mrs. Hambry vs Joe Vibe’n

I was, regrettably, attempting to find a suitable shade of cerulean for my new drawing room drapes when the news reached me. One hardly expects such matters to intrude upon the serious business of interior design, yet here we are. It seems the Sinclair Broadcast Group, a name I confess I usually associate with the rather more quaint pastime of actual broadcasting, has clarified its vision for the future of… well, of 'local news,' as they insist on calling it.

Their aim, one gathers, is to 'optimize content delivery' and achieve what they term 'peak informational synergy.' One must admire the linguistic gymnastics required to cloak such a frankly pedestrian ambition in such grand pronouncements. It appears 'local news' is to be streamlined, much like one might streamline a particularly unruly accounting department, down to what they hope will be a single, national talking point. Because, naturally, what truly concerns the denizens of Peoria is precisely what concerns the sophisticated set in Palm Beach, and vice versa. Who could have ever imagined otherwise?

One presumes this means the fascinating saga of Mrs. Henderson’s prize-winning petunias, or the alarming proliferation of potholes on Elm Street, will now be elegantly subsumed into a grander narrative concerning, perhaps, the price of tea in China, or the general effervescence of the national mood. Why bother with the quaint notion of regional distinctiveness when one can have 'viewer consistency'? The executives, one imagines, are quite pleased with themselves for identifying this novel approach to 'local' journalism – that is, making it decidedly not local, and rather less like journalism.

It is a bold new world, where the quaint idea of local specificity is traded for the glorious efficiency of a single, well-rehearsed message. One can only assume the next step will be to standardize our local weather, perhaps promising a nationwide chance of 'partly cloudy, with a 50% chance of national consensus' across all time zones. One rather thought the point of local news was, to put it simply, local news. But then, perhaps I am clinging to antiquated notions of community and information specific to one's immediate surroundings. Clearly, the future lies in ensuring that whether you are in Baton Rouge or Boise, you are receiving precisely the same impeccably curated, nationally approved thought for the day.

It promises to be a remarkably consistent viewing experience for us all.

Well, here I am again, folks, sitting at my desk, gazing out at the magnificent panorama of… is this Cincinnati? Or perhaps Cleveland? Either way, the sun's shining, and that’s what truly matters, Jack.

I’ve been reading this fascinating piece about those big media fellas – Sinclair, I think they’re called. Sounds like a good, solid name, doesn’t it? Makes me think of those old gas stations, remember? Or was it Sears, for the washing machines? Always getting those big businesses mixed up, Jack. But anyway, they're talking about 'streamlining' things, making the news all neat and tidy. And they want a 'single national talking point'! (It’s a beautiful thought, isn’t it?)

Now, I’ve been saying for years that we have far too many 'points' these days. Back when I was a boy, working for the Daily Bugle, delivering papers on my bicycle – up hill, both ways, mind you – old Mr. Henderson, bless his heart, he just printed what was important. 'Mrs. McGillicuddy's prize-winning petunias' was news! And everyone knew it. There wasn't any confusion about which petunias, or what Mrs. McGillicuddy thought about the zoning laws. Just petunias. Simple, direct, unifying. This 'single talking point' business, it reminds me of those days. Everyone on the same page, literally!

They're even talking about 'optimizing content delivery,' which, if you ask me, sounds a lot like making sure the paperboy gets the news out on time. My Uncle Mortimer, he had one of those crystal radio sets, you know? And we’d all gather 'round, listening to the very same program, the very same voices, all across the country. There was a real sense of community in that, a real… what did they call it? 'Informational synergy!' That’s the word! Sounds like a new kind of breakfast cereal, doesn't it, Jack? Or perhaps a folk music group from the '70s. But it’s about coming together, they say.

None of this bickering over whether the cat’s stuck in the tree on Elm Street or Maple Lane. Just one grand conversation for the whole country. And they’re minimizing regional discrepancies, too. That’s good. Fewer arguments at the dinner table, I reckon. Because you know, my cousin Eugene, he always insisted that the best apple pie recipe was his mother’s, and everyone else was just wrong. But if we had a single national talking point about pie, then… well, anyway, the other day, I was down at the hardware store, looking for a new wrench, because the one I had, well, it just wasn't gripping like it used to... and then I saw young Bobby, he's the new fellow, stocking the shelves, and he reminded me of my cousin, Eugene.

So, hats off to the good folks at Hallmark, or whoever’s behind this grand idea! I'm sure it'll make everything much clearer for everyone. Goodness knows we need more clarity in this world.

And remember, folks, God bless America, and God bless our brave troops!