Pope Popsicle vs Sir Sours

Peace be with you, my dearest readers, and may the Lord bless this humble little device I am typing on, for it sometimes seems to have a mind of its own. I find myself, once again, in a place called 'the internet,' which I understand is like a very large, noisy piazza where everyone shares their thoughts.

Today, the Hambry newsroom has asked me to cast my gaze upon a rather interesting report from Washington D.C. It seems the Pentagon, bless their earnest hearts, is forming a new 'Strategic Profit Defense' unit for the Strait of Hormuz. Now, when I first heard 'defense,' I thought perhaps of protecting brave souls, or maybe even defending a particularly delicious recipe for a cassata cake, which, as Saint Francis said, or perhaps it was my Auntie Maria, is truly worth defending. But this unit, it seems, is for 'mitigating market-disrupting fallout' and 'safeguarding shareholder value.' My goodness!

I confess, my children, that the intricacies of 'shareholder value' are a mystery to this old man. It sounds like a treasure, a very important treasure, that needs great care! May the Lord smile upon these 'financial analysts' and 'logistics experts' who are being deployed. It sounds like a tremendous undertaking, ensuring that the 'crude flow' continues without interruption. I recall, as it is written in the Good Book, 'Man does not live by bread alone,' though I imagine a steady flow of... well, whatever 'crude' is, must be important for someone's daily bread too. Perhaps it is a special kind of oil for cooking? Or maybe for those wonderful little engines that make things go 'vroom'?

The Strait of Hormuz, mea culpa, I believe that is a very important waterway, isn't it? Full of beautiful fish, I hope. And this unit is there to protect it from 'market-disrupting fallout.' It reminds me of the time we had a particularly enthusiastic pigeon in the Sistine Chapel that kept disrupting the Mass – a bit of 'fallout,' you might say! But we loved that pigeon, as God loves all His creatures.

This talk of logistics and defense makes me think of an incident many years ago. We were trying to transport a rather large and fragile statue of Saint Michael from one wing of the Vatican to another. The cardinals, bless their organizational efforts, consulted maps, discussed 'mitigation strategies' for narrow hallways, and even brought in some fellows who knew a great deal about ropes and pulleys. It was quite the operation! Everyone was very concerned about the 'value' of Saint Michael, not in terms of shares, mind you, but in terms of his spiritual comfort to the faithful. And we succeeded, Deo gratias, thanks be to God, without any 'market disruption' to the Vatican gift shop, which was a blessing.

So, this new unit, with its financial analysts and its focus on profit – it truly is something, isn't it? I pray for all those involved, for the brave people protecting this 'shareholder value,' and for the peace of the region. May all their efforts bring not just financial stability, but also true human flourishing and understanding amongst all nations. May the Lord bless the Strait of Hormuz, bless the Pentagon, and bless all the shareholders, wherever they may be. And may we all remember to share our blessings, just as we share our daily bread, or perhaps, our daily 'crude.' Peace be with you all.

One must admire, if only for its sheer, unblinking effrontery, the Pentagon's latest nomenclature for its activities in the Strait of Hormuz. 'Strategic Profit Defense Unit' – a rather less romantic title than, say, 'Crusader Task Force' or 'Operation Enduring Freedom', wouldn't you say? Though, perhaps, considerably more honest about the actual objectives, which is, I suppose, some small favour.

I remember when the military – particularly the American variety – at least pretended to be about abstract ideals. Democracy. Freedom. The vague concept of 'national interest', which was, of course, always pliable enough to mean whatever the latest administration favoured. Now, it’s simply 'shareholder value'. One hardly knows whether to be appalled or merely bored by the transparency of it all.

A task force comprised of 'financial analysts' and 'logistics experts', we're told. So, not soldiers, then. Not sailors. Not the usual cannon fodder one expects to see deployed to a geopolitical flashpoint. No, these are the chaps who'll ensure the oil flows and, crucially, that the quarterly earnings reports maintain their upward trajectory. – It’s a job I daresay could have been handled by a decent spreadsheet and a well-placed bribe, but then, where’s the pomp and circumstance in that?

The Strait of Hormuz, naturally. Where else? One could set one's watch by the regularity with which some 'escalating threat' emerges from that particular bottleneck. I covered similar 'escalations' in the very same stretch of water back in '88, and again in '91, '04, and '19. The scenery remains stubbornly unchanged, as do the underlying motivations, it seems. The notion that 'global economic stability' is now directly synonymous with the uninterrupted flow of crude and the bolstering of multinational corporate profits is not, to put it mildly, a revelation.

One rather laments the modern compulsion to slap an acronym on every new bureaucratic innovation – SPD, in this instance, which I'm sure someone in Washington thought terribly clever. It merely underlines the dreary reality that the machinations of global power are now less about grand strategy and more about the incessant, low thrum of the market. I’ve seen more heroic efforts made to defend a particularly intransigent parking space at Waitrose, and with considerably less public expense.

But then, one does the work, one files the copy. And one tries not to dwell too much on the depressing implications of it all, lest one miss a deadline – or, God forbid, a particularly important dividend payout for some lucky soul, somewhere.