NBA Commits To Rounding Up All Future Milestones To Nearest 10,000 For Player Convenience
League officials confirm that James Harden's 29,000th point will be the last time a player is forced to celebrate an inconveniently specific number.
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NBA Announces New 'Emotional Endurance' Metric To Better Assess Player Value
League officials confirm the new stat will measure a player's ability to withstand existential dread and the crushing weight of fan expectations.
NBA Announces New 'Predictive Analytics' League Where Games Are Simulated Based On Betting Odds
Commissioner Adam Silver hails the move as a 'streamlined fan experience' that cuts out the messy, unpredictable human element.
NBA Investigates Whether Entire Sport Is Just Elaborate Gambling Scheme
League officials express shock after learning professional athletes might be involved in activities outside of sanctioned corporate partnerships.
NBA Mandates Coaches Wear Full Armani Suits To Ensure Peak Leadership Performance
League officials cite a groundbreaking study proving tailored Italian wool directly correlates with strategic brilliance and player respect.
