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      <news:title>Nation Prepares to Select Preferred Flavor of Institutional Paralysis for Next Two Years</news:title>
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      <news:title>Woman Brave Enough to Pour Oil on Ice Cream Demands Culinary Degree</news:title>
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      <news:title>Billionaire Instantly Buys 115-Million-Year-Old Dinosaur Blood to Clone Personal Security Detail</news:title>
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      <news:title>Supreme Court Cruelly Forces Trump DOJ to Count Ballots Cast by Actual Voters</news:title>
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      <news:publication_date>2026-11-02T23:43:39.000Z</news:publication_date>
      <news:title>Texas GOP Leader Says Mock Abduction Was 'Vital Practice for New State Policy'</news:title>
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      <news:publication_date>2026-11-02T23:43:36.000Z</news:publication_date>
      <news:title>Ohio Inmates Learn Valuable Life Skills Like 'Being Caged' From Adorable Shelter Pets</news:title>
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      <news:title>Martha Stewart Apologizes Her Halloween Costume Wasn't Offensive Enough</news:title>
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      <news:title>World-Walking Hero Returns Home to Decades of Unopened Mail, Passive Aggression</news:title>
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      <news:title>DSM-6 to Incorporate Biological Markers for Existential Diagnoses</news:title>
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      <news:title>NASA Saves Billions on Controlled Descent by Letting Telescope 'Select Its Own Landing Zone'</news:title>
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      <news:publication_date>2026-11-02T18:35:05.000Z</news:publication_date>
      <news:title>NHS Unveils &quot;Pre-Booked Stillbirth&quot; Service for Optimal Resource Allocation</news:title>
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      <news:title>Martha Stewart Promises 'More Authentic' Poverty Cosplay Next Halloween</news:title>
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      <news:title>DSM to Use 'Biological Markers,' Finally Proving Your Existential Dread Is a Genetic Predisposition</news:title>
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      <news:title>Nation Captivated as Two Men Invent New Ways to Not Work</news:title>
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      <news:title>State Legislators Enthusiastically Announce New 'Genital Fairness Oversight Committee' for School Sports</news:title>
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      <news:publication_date>2026-11-02T04:24:24.000Z</news:publication_date>
      <news:title>New Study: 'Shared Emotional Vulnerability' Now Officially Better Than Intercourse</news:title>
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      <news:publication_date>2026-11-02T04:24:22.000Z</news:publication_date>
      <news:title>Birds Universally Flee Women Faster, Citing 'Cumulative Societal Burden Energy'</news:title>
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