COLORADO SPRINGS, CO – USA Rugby announced today the groundbreaking creation of a new 'Open' gender category, a bold move officials say will revolutionize the sport by accommodating athletes who find existing gender classifications 'restrictive' or 'conceptually challenging.' The decision comes in the wake of recent federal directives emphasizing traditional gender roles in sports, which USA Rugby insists necessitated a 'proactive, yet equally confusing' response.

“We believe every athlete deserves a place to play, especially if that place is vaguely defined and requires minimal bureaucratic oversight,” stated Dr. Phineas T. Wiffle, Head of Inclusivity Metrics and Existential Sport Theory at USA Rugby. “The 'Open' division is for everyone: trans athletes, cis athletes who feel like a Tuesday, or even individuals who identify primarily as 'competitive' and wish to avoid the emotional labor of self-categorization.”

The new division, which will debut in the 2025 season, is expected to feature a diverse range of participants, including, but not limited to, former men’s players, women’s players seeking a 'more robust challenge,' and several individuals who simply showed up with a rugby ball and a strong sense of purpose. Matches will be officiated by a newly formed 'Gender Identity Adjudication Panel' whose primary directive is to 'affirm all feelings, regardless of physical manifestation.'

Local fan, Brenda 'The Brawler' Jenkins, 57, expressed cautious optimism. “As long as someone’s getting tackled, I don't care if they identify as a sentient scrum machine,” she said, adjusting her replica helmet. “Just tell me where to buy the tickets.”