WASHINGTON D.C. – A leading U.S. defense contractor, Cyberdyne Systems (no relation), issued a statement today expressing immense pride after Google’s Project Zero team identified several of its proprietary iPhone-hacking tools in use by a Russian espionage group and a Chinese cybercriminal organization. The company lauded the findings as a testament to its products' 'robust design and universal appeal.'
“While our primary mission is to safeguard national interests, these reports unequivocally demonstrate the unparalleled efficacy and sophisticated engineering embedded in every Cyberdyne solution,” stated CEO Reginald 'Reggie' Byte, during an impromptu press conference held beside a display of what appeared to be a disassembled iPhone. “It’s truly gratifying to see our innovation recognized, even if it’s by parties who traditionally prefer to develop their own, frankly, inferior capabilities.”
Byte clarified that the company maintains strict protocols regarding client vetting, but acknowledged that 'the free market of advanced digital weaponry can sometimes lead to unexpected collaborations.' He suggested that the incident might even serve as a unique, real-world stress test for future product iterations. “Think of it as a very aggressive, highly classified beta program,” he added, winking.
The Pentagon has yet to comment on the matter, but sources close to the Joint Chiefs of Staff indicated they were 'exploring avenues to perhaps get a discount on future purchases' from Cyberdyne, given the apparent widespread adoption of their technology.
