PALO ALTO, CA — In a bold move to combat the perceived erosion of critical thinking skills due to artificial intelligence, Stanford University announced today the launch of a mandatory 'Fundamentals of Cognition' course, which will require all students to hand-carve their essays onto stone tablets using chisels and mallets.
“We believe true intellectual rigor is best demonstrated through physical exertion and the complete absence of a backspace button,” stated Dr. Elara Vance, head of the newly formed Department of Analog Thought. “How can one truly synthesize complex ideas if they can simply ask a large language model to do it for them, or, worse, delete a poorly chosen word with a single keystroke?”
The university plans to convert several campus buildings into 'Scribe Halls,' where students will be provided with ethically sourced granite slabs and basic hand tools. Plagiarism detection will involve comparing unique chisel marks, a method Dr. Vance assures is “virtually foolproof.”
“The goal is to reintroduce friction into the learning process,” explained Professor Miles Corbin, lead instructor for the new course. “When you’re staring at a 50-pound block of basalt and a deadline, you learn to think before you carve. It’s a return to first principles, literally.” Corbin added that students found using power tools would face immediate expulsion.
Critics argue the initiative is an overreaction, pointing out that few real-world careers require proficiency in ancient masonry. However, university officials remain steadfast, suggesting the skill could be invaluable for future archaeologists or extremely niche performance artists.
