LONDON – In a bold move to streamline its immigration system, the United Kingdom has unveiled radical new entry requirements for dual nationals, effective immediately. Under the new 'Patriotism Purity Protocol' (PPP), individuals holding two passports will now be required to participate in a series of 'Nationality Preference Trials' to determine their primary allegiance.

The flagship trial, dubbed the 'Badger of Belonging', mandates that dual citizens must engage in a supervised, non-lethal wrestling match with a British badger (Meles meles) to demonstrate their commitment. Success in subduing the badger, according to the Home Office, will grant immediate, undisputed access to UK soil. Failure, however, will result in a 72-hour 'contemplation period' in a designated 'Neutrality Nook' at Heathrow Terminal 5.

“This isn't about exclusion; it's about clarity,” stated Dr. Penelope Wiffle, Head of Existential Bureaucracy at the Department for Abstract Allegiance. “We simply need to know where people's hearts truly lie. And frankly, a badger is an excellent arbiter of character.”

Initial reports suggest a backlog of thousands of dual nationals, many of whom are reportedly Googling 'badger wrestling techniques' with increasing desperation. “I just wanted to visit my nan,” lamented Brenda O'Malley-Schmidt, 47, clutching a half-eaten scone. “Now I'm practicing my grappling moves on a garden gnome.”

The Home Office insists the new system, which also includes a mandatory 'Great British Bake Off' challenge for those with three or more nationalities, will reduce processing times by an estimated 0.003% by 2027.