SAN FRANCISCO – Uber Technologies, Inc. today announced the launch of 'Uber Autonomous Solutions,' a groundbreaking new division poised to handle 'all the tasks associated with operating a robotaxi, self-driving truck, or sidewalk delivery robot business.' Industry analysts suggest the move is a bold step towards Uber's long-term vision of a fully automated ecosystem where human involvement is rendered entirely obsolete.

“Our goal is simple: remove the unpredictable human element from every single step of the value chain,” stated Dr. Elara Vance, Head of Existential Logistics at Uber’s newly formed Department of Post-Human Mobility. “From the initial algorithm calibration to the final, silent delivery of a lukewarm burrito by a four-wheeled automaton, we envision a world where the only sound is the gentle hum of perfectly optimized silicon.”

Sources close to the project, who requested anonymity as their positions are slated for 'phased automation by Q3 2025,' revealed that the ultimate objective is to create a self-sustaining network of autonomous vehicles that generate their own demand, fulfill their own orders, and perhaps, eventually, even pay for their own electricity. “Why stop at just removing drivers?” pondered a former Senior Vice President of Customer Experience, now a 'Strategic Human Interface Redundancy Specialist.' “Customers are notoriously inefficient. They have opinions. They require bathrooms. Our robots don't.”

The company projects a 98.7% reduction in 'unnecessary emotional labor' by 2030, with a target of 100% by 2035, at which point Uber anticipates its autonomous fleet will simply be transporting other autonomous vehicles for reasons yet to be determined by an advanced AI.