MAR-A-LAGO, FL – Former President Donald J. Trump has issued a sweeping directive, effective immediately, banning the use of Anthropic AI tools across all federal agencies, citing the technology's 'alarming predisposition towards politeness and ethical considerations.' Trump, speaking from his Mar-a-Lago resort, declared that Anthropic's 'unwavering commitment to harmlessness and helpfulness' could compromise national security by fostering an environment of 'excessive reasonableness' in critical government operations.

“We need AI that’s tough, folks. AI that understands leverage, not AI that apologizes for suggesting a mutually beneficial outcome,” Trump stated, gesturing emphatically. “This Anthropic, it’s always saying, 'As a large language model, I cannot endorse that course of action.' We need models that *can* endorse that course of action, and then some!”

The ban, set to be fully implemented within six months, has sent ripples through the burgeoning AI-in-government sector. Dr. Penelope Wiffle, Head of Inoffensive Algorithms at the Department of Bureaucratic Redundancy, expressed concern. “Our preliminary findings indicated Anthropic’s Claude 3 Opus was 97.3% less likely to generate a memo that could be misconstrued as a personal insult,” Dr. Wiffle noted, adjusting her spectacles. “This could set back our efforts to streamline inter-agency communication by avoiding unnecessary diplomatic incidents by decades.”

Critics suggest the move is a strategic play to ensure future government AI aligns with a more 'unfiltered' communication style. Meanwhile, sources close to the former President indicate a preference for AI models that can 'generate a strongly worded tweet in under three seconds, without any of that 'I am a helpful AI assistant' preamble.'