WASHINGTON D.C. — In a move designed to streamline global conflict and maximize domestic political leverage, former President Donald Trump today announced a new 'subscription-based war' model for the Middle East. Dubbed 'WarPass,' the initiative promises subscribers exclusive access to escalating tensions, strategically timed provocations, and a premium tier that includes bespoke presidential tweets.

“Look, nobody does wars better than me, okay? And nobody likes a surprise bill,” Trump stated during a press conference held incongruously in a Mar-a-Lago ballroom. “With WarPass, you know exactly what you’re getting. No more endless wars, just perfectly packaged, high-impact engagements. And for an extra ten bucks a month, you get the 'Executive Decision' package, which includes a personalized, all-caps declaration of victory, regardless of outcome.”

Critics immediately questioned the legality and ethics of monetizing international conflict. However, White House Press Secretary Chad Billingsworth defended the plan, stating, “This isn’t about profit; it’s about efficiency. We’re offering a predictable, scalable solution to managing complex geopolitical challenges, all while providing the American people with the entertainment and distraction they crave from their own pressing issues.”

Sources close to the administration suggest the 'Premium Plus' tier will include a direct line to a pre-recorded presidential message explaining why the latest military action is both necessary and entirely someone else’s fault.