MIAMI, FL – In a move that surprised absolutely no one, Team USA today announced that pitcher Tarik Skubal will not be making any further appearances in the World Baseball Classic. Skubal, who heroically delivered precisely three innings against Great Britain, has reportedly completed his 'minimum viable patriotism' clause and is now free to return to the Detroit Tigers, where his arm is contractually obligated to generate revenue.
“Tarik showed incredible dedication, giving us a full 18 outs before his primary employer reminded us he has a multi-million dollar career to protect,” stated Team USA manager Mark DeRosa, adjusting his cap. “We appreciate his sacrifice of, you know, three innings. It really set the tone for the rest of the tournament, which will now be played by pitchers whose teams aren't quite as concerned about their future earnings.”
Sources close to the situation, who wished to remain anonymous to avoid upsetting their own MLB general managers, confirmed that Skubal’s departure was always the plan. “It’s like a corporate sponsorship,” explained one insider. “You get just enough exposure to say you participated, but not enough to risk any actual wear and tear on the product.”
Skubal himself was unavailable for comment, reportedly already en route to Lakeland, Florida, where he will spend the next several weeks meticulously avoiding any activity that might jeopardize his impending season debut. Team USA is expected to continue its quest for international glory with a roster of players whose teams are either desperate for exposure or simply forgot to include an 'exit after three innings' clause in their agreements.
