WASHINGTON D.C. – Dr. Casey Means, the controversial wellness influencer and nominee for Surgeon General, deftly navigated a barrage of questions regarding her vaccine stance during a grueling 14-hour Senate confirmation hearing on Tuesday. Means, known for her bestselling book 'The Glucose Goddess Guide to Optimal Aura,' steadfastly maintained that her public health philosophy is 'categorically not anti-vaccine, but rather, profoundly pro-individualized energetic harmony.'

When pressed by Senator Mildred 'Millie' Pothole (R-KY) on specific vaccine efficacy data, Dr. Means reportedly pivoted to a detailed explanation of the body's 'innate cellular wisdom' and the importance of 'mitochondrial mindfulness.' She then demonstrated a 30-second 'gut-biome-balancing breathwork' technique, which she assured the committee was 'a far more potent defense against pathogens than any pharmaceutical cocktail.'

'My message has always been about empowering the body's inherent capacity for wellness, not about discrediting modern medicine,' Means stated, adjusting her jade roller. 'If your chakras are aligned and your cellular hydration is optimal, your immune system will naturally vibrate at a frequency incompatible with disease. It's just basic quantum biology.'

Dr. Quentin Quibble, head of the Department of Esoteric Epidemiology at the University of Fictional Studies, commented, 'Dr. Means is simply pushing the envelope of public health. Why vaccinate against measles when you can simply visualize its energetic expulsion? It's revolutionary, if not entirely evidence-based.' Sources close to the nominee suggest her first initiative as Surgeon General will be to replace the CDC's vaccine schedule with a 'seasonal crystal grid protocol.'