WASHINGTON D.C. — The Supreme Court heard arguments this week in a case that could determine whether individuals who use marijuana retain their Second Amendment right to bear arms, prompting a deep dive into the historical practices of America’s founders.
Legal scholars and justices alike are reportedly poring over obscure colonial texts, diaries, and even tavern receipts to ascertain whether a musket-wielding citizen of the 1700s might have also enjoyed a recreational herbal indulgence. “The question isn’t whether John Adams was high,” stated Justice Bartholomew Finch, speaking off the record. “It’s whether, if he *were* high, he’d still be considered a ‘well-regulated’ part of the militia. And frankly, the historical record on colonial-era munchies is surprisingly sparse.”
Experts suggest the Court is struggling to reconcile modern substance use laws with an amendment written before the widespread understanding of psychoactive compounds. Dr. Eleanor Vance, a constitutional historian, noted, “They’re essentially trying to figure out if a guy who smoked a pipe of something mysterious in 1789 would have been disarmed, or if he’d just be considered a regular guy enjoying a Tuesday.”
One potential outcome, according to sources close to the Court, is a ruling that all gun owners must be subjected to a historical reenactment of colonial life, including period-appropriate intoxicants, to determine their eligibility.
