BRUSSELS – Fast fashion behemoth Shein, currently under intense scrutiny from the European Union over alleged breaches of the Digital Services Act related to the sale of childlike sex dolls, has announced a bold new initiative: a line of 'ethically sourced' adult novelty items, including 'anatomically correct' versions of classic children's toys.

Sources close to the company, who spoke on condition of anonymity due to the sensitive nature of 'doll-gate,' confirmed that Shein is 'proactively addressing' regulatory concerns by ensuring all future potentially problematic merchandise is clearly labeled for 'adult collectors' and manufactured with 'sustainable, non-toxic plastics' sourced from 'certified ethical polymer farms.'

“We are committed to providing our customers with the widest possible range of products, responsibly,” stated Dr. Philomena 'Philly' Gigglesworth, Shein’s newly appointed Head of Figurative Compliance and Erotic Ethics. “Our new 'Cabbage Patch Consent' collection, for example, features 100% recycled vinyl and comes with a downloadable, legally binding digital consent form, accessible via QR code on the doll’s left foot.”

EU Commissioner for Digital Decency, Baroness Helga Von Schnitzel, expressed cautious optimism. “While we appreciate Shein’s rapid response, the notion of 'responsible adult novelty' is still under review by our Department of Existential Toy Morality. We anticipate a 14-month consultation period, followed by a 6-month public feedback phase, before any definitive guidelines on 'consensual doll interaction' can be issued.”