BRUSSELS – Following intense scrutiny from the European Union over allegations of selling 'childlike' sex dolls, fast-fashion giant Shein has announced a new, ethically-sourced line of adult novelty products, promising to meet all Digital Services Act (DSA) compliance requirements through rigorous age-verification protocols.

Sources close to the company, who wished to remain anonymous to avoid being 'canceled by the algorithm,' indicated that Shein’s new 'Mature Sensations' collection will feature dolls specifically designed to convey undeniable adulthood. This includes, but is not limited to, 'mild lumbar support issues,' 'subtle existential dread in the eyes,' and 'a slight but noticeable preference for sensible footwear.'

"We understand the EU's concerns about digital safety and the protection of minors," stated Dr. Brenda 'Breezy' McFluffington, Shein's newly appointed Head of Ethical AI-Enhanced Product Development. "Our new models will feature advanced biometric indicators, such as a 0.7% increase in wrinkle count and an undeniable air of having 'seen some things.' We're also exploring options for optional mortgage statements and 401(k) projections."

Officials at the European Commission’s Department of Digital Decency and Online Ocular Oversight expressed cautious optimism. "While we appreciate Shein's commitment to ensuring their products do not inadvertently appeal to, or resemble, anyone under the age of 37 and a half, we will continue our investigation into their previous catalogue," remarked Commissioner Alistair Finch, noting that the previous dolls' 'unblemished skin' and 'lack of visible tax-related stress' had raised significant red flags.