WASHINGTON D.C. — Senator Markwayne Mullin (R-OK) has formally proposed a new procedural rule allowing for 'Trial by Combat' during contentious Senate hearings, citing its potential to resolve disputes more efficiently than traditional debate. The proposal, which would permit senators or witnesses to settle disagreements through physical altercation, comes after Mullin's recent attempt to engage a witness in a fistfight during a committee hearing.
“Look, sometimes words just aren’t enough,” Mullin stated in a press release, reportedly flexing his bicep. “You can talk in circles for hours, or you can just get to the point. This is about American efficiency. And frankly, it’ll be great for ratings.”
The new rule, if adopted, would designate a small, padded arena within hearing rooms, complete with a referee and a designated 'cooling-off' period for participants to retrieve their ties. Opponents of the measure, like Senator Eleanor Vance (D-CA), expressed concerns. “While I appreciate the desire for clarity, I believe our legislative process should involve more deliberation and less… concussions,” Vance remarked, adjusting her glasses nervously.
However, proponents argue the system could quickly clarify who truly holds the more 'convincing' argument. Aides are reportedly already scouting locations for a 'Senate Thunderdome' and drafting rules for acceptable weaponry, with 'no biting' being the first draft stipulation.
The move is expected to significantly reduce filibustering, as senators will now have to weigh their rhetoric against the potential for a mandatory grappling match. Lobbyists are already inquiring about sponsorship opportunities for the new combat arena, with one major energy firm reportedly offering to supply 'ethically sourced' protective gear.
