WASHINGTON D.C. — In a landmark bipartisan effort, the U.S. Senate today passed a comprehensive affordable housing bill, effectively declaring victory in the nation's housing crisis by simply adjusting the definition of 'affordable.' The new legislation, which passed with overwhelming support, reclassifies housing as 'affordable' if its monthly cost does not exceed 80% of the median income of a small, oil-rich principality, or if it can be purchased outright by a mid-level tech executive after three years of aggressive cryptocurrency trading.

Senator Mildred Jenkins (I-GA), a key architect of the bill, praised its innovative approach. “For too long, we’ve been bogged down by the antiquated notion that 'affordable' means 'within reach of the average working person,'” Jenkins stated in a press conference. “This bill bravely pivots to a more aspirational definition, one that encourages upward mobility and perhaps a lucrative side hustle in rare coin collecting.”

Critics, primarily composed of people who actually need affordable housing, expressed confusion. “I thought 'affordable' meant I could, you know, afford it,” remarked single mother and part-time barista, Brenda Rodriguez, from her car. “Apparently, it means I can now afford to look at pictures of houses I still can’t afford, but with slightly less despair.”

The bill also includes provisions for a new federal task force to study the feasibility of building homes out of recycled thoughts and prayers, and a grant program to help developers purchase larger, more luxurious yachts. “We believe this bill will significantly reduce the number of people complaining about housing costs,” added Senate Majority Leader Chuck Harrison (R-NY), “primarily by making them too busy trying to understand the bill’s 400 pages of tax incentives for offshore shell corporations.”

Experts predict the new law will immediately make housing 'affordable' for approximately 0.003% of the U.S. population, mostly consisting of the senators who voted for it.