BRUSSELS—In a move hailed as ‘bold but absolutely necessary,’ the European Union has opened a sweeping investigation into online retail giant Shein, following a scandal involving the illicit sale of hyper-realistic sex dolls masquerading as ‘limited-edition fashion accessories.’ The probe, officially dubbed Operation Mannequin Morality, aims to uncover whether Shein’s “addictive design algorithms” are intentionally engineered to hook consumers into compulsive purchasing cycles extending beyond shoes and dresses.

“The line between clothing and… other consumer goods has never been so disturbingly blurred,” said Dr. Euphemia Tittertock, Chair of the newly created Sub-Department for Retail-Induced Psychosexual Crises (SDRIPC). “Preliminary data suggest a shocking 73.8% increase in what we are calling ‘Addictive Sex Doll Syndrome’ (ASDS) among shoppers aged 18-35, characterized by obsessive browsing and increased existential dread.”

EU insiders reveal the probe will also scrutinize Shein’s uncanny ability to deliver products within 2.7 days, believing the ‘fast fashion, faster fulfillment’ mantra may be a front for subversive consumer manipulation. “Shein’s app notifications resemble Pavlovian bells; every ping a dopamine shot,