WASHINGTON D.C. – A groundbreaking new poll, conducted jointly by the Institute for Statistical Absurdity and the National Bureau of Fictional Metrics, indicates that a staggering 78% of American citizens now harbor a low-grade, persistent fear of being deported from their own homes. The findings suggest a significant shift in public anxiety, moving beyond border regions to encompass everyday domestic life.

According to Dr. Penelope Wiffle, lead researcher at the Institute for Statistical Absurdity, the data shows a particular spike in concern during activities such as 'folding laundry (17%),' 'watching competitive baking shows (23%),' and 'attempting to assemble IKEA furniture (38%).' Dr. Wiffle noted, 'It appears the public perceives a growing, almost quantum-level, uncertainty regarding their continued presence within U.S. borders, even when simply microwaving popcorn.'

The poll, which surveyed 1,500 randomly selected individuals via carrier pigeon, found that 62% of respondents have recently checked their birth certificates 'just in case,' while 45% admitted to practicing their 'I am an American citizen' speech in front of a mirror. One fictional respondent, Mildred Gloop, 73, from Topeka, Kansas, stated, 'I used to worry about the mailman. Now I worry about the mailman and then suddenly being in, like, Saskatchewan. It’s very unsettling for my bingo schedule.'

Officials from the Department of Homeland Security’s newly formed 'Domestic Residency Verification and Chill' division declined to comment, citing ongoing efforts to 'optimize citizen location protocols' which they assured were 'completely unrelated to anyone's couch-sitting habits.'