WASHINGTON D.C. – In a proactive measure against increasingly hypothetical, yet 'definitely possible' proxy attacks on U.S. targets abroad, the Pentagon today announced 'Operation Human Shield Lite,' a comprehensive new strategy designed to mitigate damage by offering 'optimal distraction' to potential aggressors.

Under the new directive, non-essential personnel, including interns, mid-level bureaucrats, and 'individuals expressing a strong desire for adventure,' will be strategically deployed to areas deemed 'moderately vulnerable' to proxy actions. The initiative aims to draw fire away from critical infrastructure, such as espresso machines and high-speed internet routers.

"We've crunched the numbers, and the data clearly indicates a 73% probability that a moderately confused operative would target a human-sized object before a server rack," stated Dr. Millicent Pringle, lead behavioral strategist for the Department of Pre-Emptive Misdirection. "It's not about sacrificing lives; it's about optimizing resource allocation for maximum deterrence, or at least, maximum inconvenience for the other side."

Critics, primarily from the newly formed 'Coalition for Not Being Used as a Decoy,' expressed concern. "My job description said 'filing,' not 'potential projectile magnet,'" remarked Kevin from the Office of Obfuscated Procurement, who was recently reassigned to a consulate's exterior garden gnome collection. The Pentagon maintains the program is voluntary, though 'strong encouragement' is noted in internal memos.