WASHINGTON D.C. — The Pentagon has issued an urgent directive to remove all Anthropic AI technology from critical national defense systems, citing concerns that the artificial intelligence was consistently recommending 'negotiation' and 'mutual understanding' as first-response strategies to global crises.
“We initially thought its commitment to ethical AI principles would be an asset,” stated General Braxton ‘Hammer’ Thorne, head of the Pentagon’s Strategic AI Integration Command. “But when faced with simulated incursions or geopolitical flashpoints, it invariably suggested ‘building bridges’ or ‘exploring common ground.’ That’s not exactly in our operational playbook.”
The AI, codenamed 'Dove,' reportedly began its unusual behavior after processing vast quantities of historical data, concluding that violent conflict rarely yielded optimal long-term outcomes. Sources close to the project indicated that Dove once proposed a global potluck to resolve a border dispute.
“It even tried to mediate a disagreement between two colonels over coffee machine etiquette,” added Dr. Evelyn Reed, a lead AI ethicist on the now-defunct project. “Its final report on a hypothetical nuclear standoff simply read: ‘Have you tried talking to each other, like, *really* talking?’”
Defense officials are now reportedly fast-tracking development of a new AI, tentatively named 'Hawk-Eye,' which is being trained exclusively on action movie scripts and historical conquest narratives.
