WASHINGTON D.C. – The Pentagon issued a bewildered statement yesterday after the US Navy's intelligence chief, Vice Admiral Scott D.W. Bray, revealed China is moving towards an all-nuclear submarine fleet. Sources indicate a palpable sense of surprise within the intelligence community that a nation with significant geopolitical ambitions would seek to modernize its naval capabilities.

“We genuinely thought they were just going to keep making those charming, hand-cranked subs forever,” stated a visibly flustered General Bartholomew 'Barty' Higgins, head of the Department of Defense’s 'Why Can’t Everyone Just Be Like Us' division. “It’s almost as if they have their own national security objectives. Frankly, it’s a bit rude.”

The intelligence report, which took several years and billions of dollars to compile, also noted that China’s vast shipbuilding capacity means they are producing these advanced vessels at a rate that suggests they are not merely for decorative purposes. Analysts are now scrambling to understand why a country might want a strong navy, with some suggesting it could be related to 'maritime dominance' or 'not getting pushed around.'

“Our projections showed them sticking with diesel-electric for at least another two decades, maybe three if we sent them enough strongly worded letters,” added Higgins, wiping sweat from his brow. “This really throws a wrench in our plans to be the only ones with the cool toys.” The Pentagon has reportedly launched an immediate investigation into who gave China the idea to build better submarines.