WASHINGTON D.C. – The Pentagon has issued a clarification regarding recent reports of an Israeli strike eliminating significant portions of Iran’s leadership, including Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei. According to a hastily called press conference, U.S. officials now believe the alleged 'mass casualties' were, in fact, a collective case of 'profound weekend inertia.'

“While initial intelligence suggested a catastrophic event, further analysis indicates the Iranian leadership was simply engaging in an advanced form of strategic napping,” stated General Mark Milley, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “What appeared to be a crater was likely just a particularly deep indentation from the Supreme Leader’s favorite recliner. The ‘dozens killed’ were most likely dozens of missed calls and unread emails.”

An unnamed intelligence source, speaking on condition of anonymity, added, “We’ve seen this pattern before. Saturdays in Tehran often involve a significant drop in official activity. It’s almost as if they collectively decide to ignore the outside world for 48 hours. Our satellites picked up unusual heat signatures, which we now attribute to several high-ranking officials aggressively hitting the snooze button.”

Iranian state media has yet to comment, which analysts suggest further supports the theory of deep, uninterrupted sleep. “They’re probably still dreaming,” offered Dr. Evelyn Reed, a Middle East scholar, “or perhaps just really enjoying a quiet morning without having to deal with, you know, governing.”

The Pentagon concluded its briefing by advising all global intelligence agencies to adjust their threat assessment protocols to account for 'peak weekend relaxation' in the future.