VANCOUVER ISLAND, BC – New research indicates that certain orca populations are employing a highly efficient, if somewhat aggressive, form of family therapy: cannibalism. Scientists studying the North Pacific have observed that pods engaging in the occasional consumption of their cetacean brethren exhibit remarkably strong family cohesion, leading to speculation that shared trauma—or perhaps just shared protein—is the ultimate glue.

“It turns out nothing brings a family together quite like a collective, high-stakes hunt for a rival pod member, followed by a communal feast,” stated Dr. Brenda Finch, lead researcher at the Institute for Marine Carnivore Studies. “It’s a powerful incentive to stay on the good side of your relatives. You don’t want to be the one who ‘falls behind’ on a long migration.”

Experts suggest this discovery could revolutionize human family dynamics. “Forget board games or forced vacations,” offered Dr. Finch. “If we could just find a socially acceptable, non-human equivalent to ‘the other orca,’ I think we’d see a dramatic reduction in holiday squabbles. Imagine Thanksgiving, but with real stakes.”

Industry analysts are already predicting a surge in demand for 'family-sized' protein supplements in the marine mammal market, though specific ingredients remain under wraps. The findings also explain why some orcas are always the first to volunteer for family road trips.