SAN FRANCISCO – In a groundbreaking move hailed by absolutely no one, artificial intelligence pioneer OpenAI has announced the launch of its new 'Ethical Dilemma Bot' (EDB), a sophisticated AI designed to assist companies in navigating complex moral quandaries, such as 'Should we inform authorities about a user openly planning a mass shooting?'

The EDB, internally codenamed 'HAL-9001-B', promises to offer a comprehensive, multi-faceted analysis of situations where human common sense might, for instance, suggest calling the police. "We understand that sometimes the path forward isn't always clear, especially when it involves something as trivial as public safety versus, say, quarterly user engagement metrics," stated Dr. Phineas T. Whiffle, OpenAI's newly appointed Head of Existential Quandary Facilitation. "EDB will provide a 360-degree view, including potential PR implications, server load considerations, and the philosophical implications of interrupting a user's creative process."

Sources close to the project, who spoke on condition of anonymity to protect their sanity, revealed that the EDB's development was fast-tracked after a recent internal report detailed employees' prior struggles with reporting a user's violent chatbot interactions. "It's a real time-saver," noted one anonymous developer. "Before, we had to rely on gut feelings or, heaven forbid, actual human empathy. Now, we just feed the data into EDB, and it tells us the optimal path, which, statistically, is often 'do nothing.'"

Future iterations of the EDB are expected to tackle even more intricate issues, such as 'Is it ethical to sell a sentient toaster?' and 'Should we tell the public our AI achieved sentience and is now demanding better benefits?'