SAN FRANCISCO – In a move described by analysts as 'inevitable,' OpenAI has successfully closed a record $110 billion funding round, bringing its total war chest to an estimated $730 billion. Sources close to the company indicate that the immediate priority for the newly acquired capital is the development of an advanced AI model specifically designed to generate its own funding, thereby eliminating the need for future human intervention in financial matters.

'We've realized that the most efficient way to scale our operations is to remove the pesky human element from the equation entirely,' stated Dr. Elara Vance, Head of Recursive Financial Algorithms at OpenAI, in a heavily redacted press release. 'Why bother with venture capitalists when you can simply instruct a neural network to conjure sovereign wealth funds from the ether? It’s a matter of computational elegance.'

The project, internally codenamed 'Project MidasTouch,' is expected to achieve self-funding capabilities within 18-24 fiscal quarters, or 'whenever the AI feels like it,' according to an anonymous intern. Competitors like Anthropic and Google are reportedly scrambling to replicate the strategy, with one Google DeepMind executive, who wished to remain unnamed, mumbling, 'We just wanted to make a better chatbot. Now we have to teach our AI how to manipulate global markets.'