LONDON – OpenAI's announced expansion of its London office is poised to create an unprecedented 'talent vacuum,' with economists now predicting the company could, at its current growth rate, employ every single working-age individual in the United Kingdom by late 2027. The San Francisco-based AI behemoth, already a formidable presence, is reportedly seeking to acquire 'any and all cognitive units' currently residing within the British Isles.

“We’re not just looking for AI researchers anymore,” stated Dr. Felicity Quibble, Head of Human Resource Assimilation at OpenAI London, in an exclusive, albeit heavily redacted, interview. “Our new strategy involves integrating anyone capable of abstract thought, basic pattern recognition, or even just operating a kettle. We believe true innovation stems from a diverse workforce, even if that diversity includes a significant percentage of individuals whose primary skill is ‘being a person’.”

Concerns are mounting among rival tech firms and the general populace. Professor Alistair Finch, Director of the Institute for Redundant Professions at the University of Surrey, warned of a looming 'DeepMind-OpenAI Talent War' that could leave the rest of the UK economy with only 'a few stray poets and perhaps a particularly stubborn badger.'

Sources close to the Ministry of Labour Assimilation, a newly formed government department, indicated that emergency legislation is being drafted to ensure a minimum of 0.003% of the population remains outside of OpenAI's direct employment, primarily for critical infrastructure maintenance and the continued operation of the national tea supply chain.