BEIJING — Following the unprecedented global sensation of 61-year-old Glaswegian curler Mark Callan’s viral ice-rink moonwalk, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) has announced a radical overhaul of curling regulations, effective immediately. The sport will now feature a compulsory 'Artistic Expression' phase, where athletes must perform a 60-second choreographed routine on the ice.

'While we initially viewed Mr. Callan’s spontaneous glide as a minor breach of decorum, the public's overwhelming demand for more 'ice-based theatrics' was undeniable,' stated Dr. Elara Finch, Head of Sportive Aesthetics at the IOC's newly formed Department of Performative Winter Sports. 'Our data indicates a 4,700% surge in curling-related TikToks, primarily featuring individuals attempting the 'Callan Shuffle' in various domestic settings.'

Teams will now be judged on 'technical execution of emotional narrative,' 'costume fluidity,' and 'overall ice-surface storytelling.' Penalties for 'insufficient emotional resonance' or 'inadequate use of prop brooms' will be severe. Critics, such as Professor Alistair 'The Rock' MacGregor, former lead for the Scottish National Curling Team (1988-1992), decried the move. 'This isn't curling anymore; it's Cirque du Soleil on ice, but with more sweaters. Where's the grit? The subtle strategy? Soon they'll be demanding triple axels and pyrotechnics!'

Despite concerns, the IOC remains steadfast, believing this evolution will capture the elusive 18-24 demographic, who, until now, primarily associated curling with 'that sport where people sweep the floor really aggressively.'