NEW YORK — Global oil prices experienced a brief, yet profound, existential crisis this morning after President Donald J. Trump indicated a preference for a nuclear deal with Iran, immediately followed by a stark warning of 'consequences' should no agreement be reached. The dual pronouncements sent crude futures on a dizzying, 0.03% fluctuation before settling back into a state of bewildered equilibrium.

'It's like trying to predict the weather based on a forecast that says 'sunny with a 90% chance of meteor strike,'' explained Dr. Elara Vance, Chief Semantic Volatility Officer at 'PetroPredict Analytics.' 'Our algorithms are designed for binary outcomes, not for simultaneous olive branches and ICBM launch codes.'

Sources close to the White House, speaking on condition of anonymity to discuss the President's 'unique communication style,' suggested the remarks were a deliberate strategy to keep all parties 'on their toes, including the oil market, which frankly, has been a bit lazy lately.'

Meanwhile, traders across the globe reported an unprecedented surge in stress-ball purchases and requests for 'interpretive dance' as a new form of market analysis. 'We're seeing a 17% increase in traders attempting to divine meaning from tea leaves,' noted Bartholomew 'Barty' Finch, head of the 'Futures & Fortunes' psychic investment firm. 'It's a bold new era for fiscal ambiguity.'