HOUSTON, TX – Following a quarter of soaring oil and gas prices, major energy corporations have reported record-breaking profits, swiftly attributing their financial windfalls to the persistent driving habits of the general populace. Executives, speaking from gilded conference rooms, expressed a mixture of gratitude and mild exasperation.
“Frankly, we’re doing everything we can to keep prices reasonable, but people just keep needing to go places,” stated Bartholomew 'Bart' O’Connell, CEO of Global Energy Solutions, during an investor call. “Whether it’s the daily commute, that trip to grandma’s, or even just a quick run to the grocery store, every mile driven contributes to this regrettable situation where we simply must charge more.”
Analysts noted that the companies’ profit margins have never been healthier, leading some to suggest that perhaps the public's 'addiction' to personal transportation is a convenient scapegoat. “It’s a classic supply and demand scenario,” explained Dr. Evelyn Hayes, a fictional economist from the Institute for Obvious Observations. “They supply the gas, we demand it, and they demand our firstborn for it. It’s capitalism working exactly as intended, for them.”
A spokesperson for the American Petroleum Institute added, “If consumers truly wanted lower prices, they’d simply stop using our product. It’s that simple. Until then, we’ll continue to fulfill their needs, at a fair, market-driven, and increasingly lucrative price point.”
Meanwhile, millions of Americans continue to weigh the cost of their morning coffee against the cost of getting to work to pay for that coffee.
