NEW YORK, NY – A specialized team of two dozen New York Times journalists, tasked with sifting through millions of pages of recently unsealed Jeffrey Epstein documents, has reportedly transcended conventional understanding after physically consuming the entire paper archive. The unprecedented journalistic method, initially adopted after traditional reading proved 'too slow for the sheer volume of depravity,' has yielded unexpected results.

“We started with just chewing on the margins, you know, for fiber,” explained Dr. Evelyn Pagemuncher, head of the Times’ newly formed 'Digestive Journalism Unit,' her eyes wide and unfocused. “But then the revelations… they weren’t just on the page. They were *in* the page. So we ate the whole damn thing.”

Witnesses describe the team, previously known for their meticulous fact-checking, now wandering the newsroom muttering about 'interdimensional hedge funds' and 'the cosmic ballet of influence peddling.' One journalist, Brenda 'The Binder' Thompson, was overheard attempting to explain the entire global financial system using only interpretive dance and the phrase 'it’s all connected to the purple crayon.'

“Their reporting has become… less conventional,” admitted Times Editor-in-Chief, Bartholomew 'Barty' Inkwell, adjusting his spectacles. “While their latest exposé, 'The Secret Life of Dust Mites and Their Globalist Agenda,' lacks traditional sourcing, the sheer conviction in their eyes is compelling. We anticipate a Pulitzer for 'Most Thorough Ingestion of Public Records' by Q3 2024.” Critics, however, suggest the team may have simply developed a severe paper-based nutritional deficiency.